In the biography of Xuanzang, it mentioned the Quan Yin Method. Because the Quan Yin Method in Sanskrit is called “Shabda.” One of the sutras He brought back mentioned the “Shabda.” “Shabda” means the (inner Heavenly) Sound within us. Because I knew that word, I knew Xuanzang practiced the “Shabda,” meaning the Quan Yin Method, the (inner Heavenly) Sound current. But if we don’t know Sanskrit, then we just read the sutra, and that’s it. We don’t know what He called it, because He listed a bunch of sutras that He brought back from [India]. He brought back a number of sutras, and one of them mentioned the “Shabda.” “Shabda” means the inner (Heavenly) Sound, because I read about it, I knew what that sutra was talking about, for example like that. I knew the word “Shabda” means inner (Heavenly) Sound, so I knew that Xuanzang practiced the Quan Yin Method. Otherwise, if someone read those sutras and didn’t understand the meaning of the word “Shabda,” then he would think Xuanzang only brought back the Diamond Sutra, Lotus Sutra, Avataṃsaka Sutra, such and such sutras, and that’s all. So they listed out all the sutras and left them there. “Ah, so many sutras, I can’t know them all.” And that’s it, finished. That’s why they didn’t know what Xuanzang attained when he went to [India].
So 17 years effort like that was worth it, worthy for Xuanzang. But now, we can get it all right with about 17 hours of travelling. Some people are nearby; it took them only 17 minutes to arrive. (Yes.) But some people who live only about 7 minutes from here, can’t get it. Like the neighbors, no one knows anything. And the many thousand chicken(-people) over there, they know nothing. Once in a while, a chicken(-person) escaped to here to find the Master, but was captured back again. It is difficult if you’re a chicken(-person). But it is also suffering to be a human. Being a human but ignorant, you also get nothing.
There are some more jokes, I can tell you. A guy went to Africa, and he came back home, wearing a brand-new pair of shoes. His friend asked, “My God, your shoes, what kind looks so beautiful? Where did you buy them? I don’t see them around here.” “Gosh, you don’t know, I bought this crocodile-skin shoes in Africa. They don’t have them here.” Hearing that, his friend was so excited. He packed his stuff and went to Africa. After a few months, he came back, looking miserable with a lot of scratches on his body. The other guy said, “What happened? What happened when you were there that made you look miserable and wherefore all these scars?” This guy said, “I fought with many crocodiles and didn’t see any shoes at all.” It was the same when you are looking for a Master, I say East and they look to the West; I say South, they understand as North, so it is all wrong.
There was a guy who was crazy. But the doctor thought he was improving somewhat. The hospital must have been crowded, because there were so many crazy patients, so the doctors tried to kick some out. So the doctor kept testing every day to see if any crazy patient was getting better, then he would release that person. One day, the doctor tested a guy to see if he was truly recovered. So the doctor told the patient the following story: “There was one guy, when it was so dark like black ink, no Moon, no street lights because the storm broke all electrical lines, this guy drove a car without headlights. After a while, he ran into a street light pole, and the car stopped dead. And at that time, suddenly… all the car tires flattened. And the headlights were broken, crushed. After a while, the driver called a garage worker to come and fix his car. The worker fixed the engine, even without the street light. However, the worker could not fix the car’s headlights. Still, the guy drove his car without the headlights and got home safely. So do you think this story makes sense? It was dark, and without the Moon, and the car was without headlights, but the guy still drove it. Do you think it was possible?”
And the patient said, “This story is nonsense. This is impossible!” The doctor said, “Oh, very good! So, you are recovered, you can go.” So this patient went out and he met another patient who also just got released, like him. He said, “You know, this doctor must be crazy. That day was Christmas, how can any garage be open, so that the guy could call a worker to fix his car?” So you know who is crazy already. Both of them.
There is a guy who came into a restaurant and ordered a Phở noodle soup. We don’t know whether it was vegan Phở or not. He was not a Quan Yin practitioner who would order a vegan Phở. We are so enthusiastic, thinking that anyone out there is vegan. He ordered a Phở soup and after he ate it and drank all the soup, he saw a dead cockroach at the bottom of the bowl. He called the restaurant owner and said, “You, you cook like that, yet charge so high, at a throat- cutting price like that?” The owner replied, “OK, OK. I am sorry. We will not charge you for the cockroach.” The cockroach was free of charge.
There was an old couple who went to a restaurant and ordered a roasted pork dish. I am sorry, people out there don’t eat vegan food. I am telling you real-life story. So the couple ordered, and the waiter brought out two dishes of noodle with roasted pork. The husband was eating and enjoying it very much, but the wife just sat there and didn’t eat. So the waiter came and asked the wife, “Why? You don’t like our dish, or is there something wrong so you don’t eat it?” The old woman said, “Oh no. I forgot my dentures at home, so I wait until he finishes so I can borrow his dentures.” One guy went to the hospital and waited for his wife to deliver the baby. He waited a long time, but nothing happened. Suddenly, a nurse ran out yelling happily to inform the guy sitting next to him, she said, “My God, your wife delivered already. It is twins, two boys, so happy! Congratulations. Congratulations to you.” Then she pulled that guy inside to see his twin boys. So this guy who had been waiting all this time, got angry. He stood up and said, “Hey miss, I am telling you, I waited here before him!” What? How come they didn’t deliver babies in order at all? You people who go for child delivery, remember whoever goes first should deliver first, OK? Otherwise, you make trouble for the nurses…
In a restaurant, a waiter served an egg dish to a tourist. And this tourist – he was very rich, and well-known in town – he parked his Mercedes in front of the restaurant, walked in, and two, three, four bodyguards were standing around him. The restaurant sells 20 USD for one egg. The rich guy said, “My God, is your country lacking of eggs, why so expensive?” This is a story about the outside people. But we can’t eat egg. So don’t say that Master told this story and go home violating the precept. No can do! The owner of the restaurant replied: “Oh, no. We have plenty of eggs here, but rarely have a millionaire.” These jokes, sometimes I read in the books, sometimes other people tell me, sometimes I heard them when I was young, but I forgot. Sometimes, I travel around and people tell me stories.
A girl ran to a policeman, grabbed his shirt and screamed, “Help me, help me! That guy keeps following me for many hours now, and I can’t escape him. It seems like he wants to court me, but he got drunk or something. He must be very drunk.” The policeman said, “That’s OK, you sit down here. Just sit there; don’t go out there anymore. Wait until he is gone, then you can go out.” But the girl kept complaining, “He must be drunk. Why don’t you go out and check on him to see whether he is drunk or not. Why you just stand there?” She blamed the policeman, said, “Why don’t you go to check on the guy to see whether he is drunk or not, why just stand there?” The policeman looked at her face for a while, and said, “Yeah, that guy must be very drunk.” Those of you coming from America to look at me, is there anyone who is drunk? Huh? Violating the precept?
A guy went to a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to sell him some sleeping pills. He went there every week. One day, that pharmacist met that guy on the street. It was three, four o’clock in the morning, and that guy was drunk, with a girlfriend by his side. The pharmacist reproached the guy, “Why you come to me every week to buy sleeping pills, but you go out until three, four o’clock in the morning? What for do you buy the sleeping pills?” The guy said, “My God, if my wife can’t sleep, how can I go out?” These are funny stories, right?
There were four, five crazy patients who escaped from the hospital, and then stole a car which was parked somewhere on the street, and drove away. Being crazy, they drove the car very fast. Driving like crazy, as they say. A policeman blew the whistle to stop their car. The crazy guys stopped the car and said, “Don’t you see that the car is full, why do you still want to get in?”
There were two persons who died and went to Heaven. One was the pastor in a church and the other one was a lawyer. When he went up there, the pastor was given a small tent to pitch out there to stay. But the lawyer was led by Saint Peter all the way to a beautiful palace. So the lawyer stayed in the palace and was served with tea and all kinds of things every day. The pastor stayed in the tent for two, three days and could not bear it anymore. He called Saint Peter out and said, “Dear Saint, I don’t mean to discriminate or complain or anything, I stay wherever you ask me to. But I just wonder how come there is such discrimination? That lawyer, if I remember well, never went to any temple, nor to any church, and didn’t do good to anyone. He charged an arm and a leg to his customers. Then he would turn white into black, and made the guilty person clean. And sometimes, he made the innocent ones look guilty. So why You treat him so nice like that? He is allowed to stay in a golden palace, and is served with food and drink every day. And me, I was moral and ascetic for my whole life, practiced spiritually and didn’t dare to think anything bad. But coming here, I had to stay in a tent like in a place of Madame Ching Hai during a retreat?” So Saint Peter said, “Because you don’t know, my son. Pastors, we have so many here, as many as mushrooms. We can’t treat all of you well, we can’t provide for all of you. But lawyers, there is only him since many thousands of years.”
Photo Caption: “God Showers Humans with All Forms of LOVE” (All what shows here are no pain)
